Thursday, September 22, 2011 at 7:03AM | Amy C The F-You Stop
My tribe taking a break
As beginners, we’re particularly vulnerable to the F-You Stop.
Imagine this scenario: you’re just learning how to snowboard. You’ve been working hard on your turns on your own for a few days. Today you’re finally heading out with a group. Friends! A crew! Hooray!
You’re totally stoked. You head for an easy blue run they’ve assured you is good for beginners. You all take off together and then suddenly they’re gone. Poof!
Just like that, you’re alone again. You struggle down the hill, falling a bit here and there, but you’re making it down. You rest a bit and see your group up ahead a ways.
There they are!! They waited for you. Yes!
You get up with a huge smile and make your way down.
You meet up, smile and start to tell them how fun (but a little challenging) that was but... they’re off. Poof!
Gone again. F-you.
the f-you stop explained
I haven’t figured out yet if folks realize they’re leaving others behind. I never had a name for it when it happened to me.
Then one day I was on a run with some friends who were much faster than me. They’d run ahead, then wait for me. When I caught up to them, they asked me if I was okay with an F-you stop.
A what?
After they explained what it was, I realized I’d experienced it a number of times as I navigated my way around new sports and outdoor activities. Hiking, running, snowboarding...
My Inner Voices loved the f-you stop. I’d get frustrated (why wasn’t I getting faster), discouraged (I’ll never be able to keep up) and disheartened (this sport isn’t very fun when I’m always alone).
When we begin a new sport, it generally comes with the territory that we’re slow. That’s just the nature of starting something new (especially as an adult).
But when you’re always left behind; when you’re consistently the last one to arrive anywhere, it’s hard not to believe that you’re always going to be slow. That you’re always going to finish last. (Which, you should know, isn’t the case at all.)
talk about it
When these friends asked me about the f-you stop, the dynamic changed. I’m pretty sure I would’ve felt hurt and frustrated had they simply taken off.
But they asked my permission. They included me in the plan-of-the-day. I felt part of the team. There was also no pressure. They made it clear they were ready to stay with me as I rested if that’s what I wanted. I truly felt like we were running together (even though, technically, they went on ahead).
I also knew they would love to keep going. So I nodded and told them to go ahead.
I felt empowered and confident. Suddenly happy to run behind, and happy to know they were enjoying their workout, too.
If you’ve experienced the f-you stop (or it currently happens to you), talk to your friends. They may not even be aware they’re doing it.
For them, it might simply be the way they operate: when everyone regroups, it’s a tacit understanding that everyone takes off. If you need a rest, speak up.
If your expectation is that you’ll be sticking together (and taking breaks together), let them know.
(On the flip side, I’ve learned there are definitely benefits for not taking as many breaks: you get better faster and your endurance increases because you’re not resting as often!)
include everyone
my tribe sticking with me on some class III scramblingIf you’re more experienced in the outdoors and there’s a newbie in your crew, do your best to be aware of where everyone is and their comfort level. I like to operate under the general rule of “go as fast as the slowest person.”
Make sure everyone’s getting the rest they need. It can be hard for a novice to speak up (they may be battling those pesky Inner Voices, fearing they’ll hold others back or feel embarrassed at being slower).
Enjoying a new sport with a crew that actively encourages and supports each other through both action and words can mean the world to a newbie. (Not to mention help stoke their passion for the outdoors and a new sport.)
What about you guys? Have you experienced the F-You Stop? How do you deal with it?
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Reader Comments (7)
The F-you stop! Who knew? Thanks for the definition and this new word to add to my lexicon. I love it that you could take control of your the fu stops on your behalf. I've seen this on the slopes, too. Although I'd venture to say that after one or two, either the f u stoppers or the one being waited for get frustrated and decide to meet in the lodge at the end of the day. Perhaps that's for the best. But your strategy is much more empowering. Bravo.
Thanks Kim. Definitely better to split up than continue to get frustrated, but wouldn't it be awesome if they could avoid the frustration altogether by talking about it?
It's amazing to me how just the act of asking permission or talking about something relieves any sort of pressure or resentment from an action. I've experienced it with music at a climbing crag, too. A guy had music playing and it was annoying at first, but then he asked us if we minded and offered to turn it off. And just like that, it was okay.
Hmm. That's interesting about the music. It's as if once we have a say in the matter, we can easily change our attitude. What does that say about facing adversity? That if we choose to participate we can overcome? Food for thought.
This is absolutely perfect. I just experienced it the other day running! A group of us are training for a marathon and they are all faster than me. I got discouraged and cranky, telling myself I was bad.
This was just the reassurance I needed. Plus, it's always nice to know others are going through what you are!
I have definitely been both guilty of and a victim of the FU stop. I forget that being the straggler means that you are both the most tired and get the least rest time – usually around the third FU I remember and stop to take a real break with the straggler. Often the reason for the stop is to make sure the straggler didn't take a fall or a wrong turn. Personally, I find the FU stop motivating (as long as they give me enough time to call a halt if necessary), but I understand that it can be frustrating (especially when the stoppers have repeatedly begged you to try their activity, and then you spend the whole time out of breath and alone).
Growing up in Scouts, our usual trick for keeping everyone together was to put the fastest/most experienced person at the tail of the group (not allowed to pass anyone), and the #2 guy at the front. Everyone else is permitted to move around freely between those endpoints. The last guy just has to shout if he feels the first guy is getting too far ahead, and the group compresses a bit. Of course, that kind of structure is easier for an organized group than for some friends out for a fun run/ski/ride, but it's worth considering when you have some newbies along.
Kim (re: music) - for sure... I have seen this happen before in a number of various situations. Fascinating.
Teeny - thank you for taking the time to post that... you've made my morning. :) So glad to have helped!
Greg - What a great idea. Assigning roles can be really helpful. I've had my friends take turns "sweeping" with me to make sure I have company (and am doing okay) on longer hikes that push my boundaries. Thanks for sharing.
And I agree that the f-you stop can be motivating... you said the key phrase in that, though: that YOU get to call a halt to it if necessary.
Thanks for the great input.