learning to like something you want to like, but don’t: a reader question

mt elbert at sunrise

I received a really great question on twitter the other day from a reader. She asked:

What are your thoughts on doing something that you really WANT to like, but don’t in practice?

So here we are. I’ve experienced this challenge in a few different forms over the past few years, so definitely have some thoughts. I thought about responding via twitter but then realized there’s no way I could cover my thoughts in only 140 characters! My mind began to spin and I realized it’s the perfect topic for my blog. (Thanks for the inspiration!)

There’s something out there in our big-wide-world that appeals to you. You want to like it. But for some reason, it’s not sticking. What do you do?

For me, this situation has come up with outdoor sports in many different ways: first with running, then climbing and mountain biking, and most recently yoga and surfing. It’s actually come up for me with food (I want to like beans, I swear!), and even with people (that person everyone seems to love yet I just don’t seem to connect with).

understanding the why

My first question is a simple-but-not-easy one: Why?

Why do you want to like it?

Do you want to like it because it’ll make something else you love more fun? Do you want to like it because it’s good for you? Or because it’s something you wanted to do 20 years ago and finally have the opportunity to learn? Do you want to like it because someone else wants you to?

What are the reasons and motivations behind the desire? Once you understand where your desire is coming from, you can begin to take action.

I’ve found time and time again that when your desire and motivation comes from within you, the goal is much easier to meet. When there’s an external force (be it a loved one, society’s “rules” or others’ expectations), it’s much harder to move forward and find success.

If this turns out to be the case, I’d encourage you to reevaluate the importance of actually liking it. Is it okay not to like it? What’s the worst thing that can happen if you admit you simply don’t like it?

what’s the appeal?

So now that you understand why you want to like this particular thing (and you’ve established that it’s internally motivated), think about what it’ll feel like. (When you like it, that is.)

What’s the appeal? Will you be healthier? Does it align with your values? Are you more graceful? How are you different? Will you be laughing and sharing an experience with someone you love?

how i fell in love with running

finishing mt. mitchell challenge | 2008

When I first started getting into the outdoors, I was hooked on triathlon. I loved swimming and biking. I could do it. I wasn’t fast, but definitely competent. And I had fun. Running? Not so much. I wasn’t good at it and it most certainly wasn’t fun.

But I loved triathlon, and wanted to one day finish an ironman. I knew that meant I’d need to run more than six miles. I also knew that meant training (i.e., running a lot). So I decided to spend a season running. No triathlons. I could cross-train, but no competitions outside of running.

What were my two goals for that year?

• 1) to see a five-mile run as a “short” distance
• 2) to fall in love with running

I didn’t have a clear plan as to how I was going to meet those goals (especially something as intangible as my second goal), but I credit my determination and commitment with helping.

I thought about what “falling in love” with running meant. For me, it meant wanting to go for a run. It meant feeling strong and capable while running. I imagined myself with a certain grace and freedom.

What ended up happening was that in meeting goal number one (while training for a marathon), I learned that my natural running flow didn’t actually appear until 40 minutes into my run. What a revelation.

I’d been running three and four mile training runs and stopping, as it turned out, as soon as my body was finally warmed up. Go figure.

I was still slow. Like coming-in-last-in-my-age-group slow. But that had ceased to matter. I was having fun. (And I’ve only done one triathlon since... so take caution with what you wish for. You just might get it!)

my yoga journey

yoga at anini beach, kaua'i

When my husband and I moved to Hawaii last fall, we had visions of a restorative six months of yoga every day, afternoons spent at the beach learning how to surf and lots of time for relaxation and writing in between our work schedule and all the yoga and surfing. (Spoiler alert: Hah!)

It was day two in Hawaii and we were at Bikram. We continued to go six days a week, for eight weeks. Monday through Saturday. I loved the idea of yoga every day. I relished the thought of the relaxation and focus it was going to provide.

At it did. Kind of. It was challenging at times, but I enjoyed it at first. Then something happened. I’m still not exactly sure what it was. But I had a streak going. I hadn’t missed a day in almost two months. (That’s a lot of yoga!)

The thing was, I wasn’t feeling relaxed. I wasn’t feeling very focused. We were rushing to make it to class on time and I began to resent the additional hour it took to get ready, get to the studio and then cool off and drive home afterwards. Not so very calming. But I wanted to go to yoga, right? I loved going to class. Right? At least that’s what I was telling myself.

Finally I stopped to think about it. Why am I doing yoga so often? What’s my motivation?

I realized I had two: My husband had suggested our schedule and I’d gone along with it to see what it would be like, and I had a streak going (hardly good reasons to continue if I wasn’t having fun).

I’d wanted to find focus and relaxation. I wanted to want to go to yoga every day. Others were telling me it was good for me and that I was gaining flexibility and strength from it. And I know I was. But I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I wanted to. I realized my goals for yoga weren’t mine. Not from within me, anyway.

So I let it go. I broke my streak and spent a little more time relaxing and writing on the beach.

question. understand. accept.

I wanted to share both of these experiences to illustrate what can happen when we work very hard to like something. Sometimes, our determination and desire reveals a hidden passion. (I’ve also experienced falling in love with veggies—hooray for steamed green beans!)

At other times, we learn a (sometimes tough) lesson in letting go. In accepting that we don’t necessarily have to like it. That it’s okay not to like something.

For me, asking “why” is imperative. Understanding what’s behind my desire and motivation opens up possibilities and new perspectives. I find a new way to think about it that often reveals a different (and more effective) approach.

what do you think?

I’m only one person, and I know you guys are really smart and experienced as well, so if you’d like, please take a moment to share your thoughts. I know I’d love to hear them, and I’m sure my twitter friend will be grateful for your additional insight as well.