Thursday, September 29, 2011 at 10:00AM | Amy C Is Girl the New Woman?
Labels. Identities. The words we use to describe ourselves.
I am a trail runner. A climber. A life coach.
I am a wife. A daughter. A sister. An aunt.
I am a woman.
It took me awhile to get comfortable with saying, “I am a woman” when I was in college. I’ve talked about defining feminine here before. And I recall feeling admiration for my older sister as she and her friends boldly referred to themselves as women when they entered college.
At the age of 18! I was startled. My sister a woman? I looked up to her and often emulated her desires and behaviors (as little sisters are wont to do). But we were girls. When had she suddenly turned into a woman and did that mean I would become one, too? Me?
Labels can feel confining or restrictive when there’s no room left for growth or change, but without them our world would be chaos. It’s how our brains categorize and identify.
woman vs girl
My friend Kim Kircher recently sent me a link to an article in the New York Times. (By the way, she’s got a book coming out that y’all need to check out!)
The article features six women in their 20s and 30s, all up-and-coming actors, who are starring in a variety of new, upcoming TV series’ this coming season. What captured my attention wasn’t the descriptions of the shows (although some do look interesting). It was a few comments, almost incidental, toward the end of the article:
“When someone describes me as a woman,” she said, “I’m like, ‘Ucch, O.K.’ It’s like being called ‘ma’am.’ It’s more of a proper term, and propriety doesn’t have much of a place in TV comedy.”
The final paragraph reads:
The last sentence sounds to me like she’s reluctant to be a woman. As though that word alone conjurs up such negative thoughts on being female.
Is girl a more accurate description for women in their 20s and 30s? Do women in this age group identify more as a girl? Like the saying, “40 is the new 50,” is girl the new woman?
If so, I’ll admit that makes me pretty queasy.
words matter
Are we so youth-obsessed that growing old (or up?) is seen as harmful to our identity? Something to avoid?
Kim brought up some good questions when she sent me the article:
I notice my step-son calls women ‘girls’ even when they're my age. What's up with adult women wanting to be called girls? And men calling them that? In my mind a girl is a ten year old. Maybe a high-schooler, although by that time I'd call her a young woman.
“Why are we afraid of this term? Is it our fear of aging? Does ‘woman’ seem too old fashioned? Is it our desire to be young and desirable and not-fully-formed? Language is very powerful. What are we giving up by allowing this diminutive moniker to define us?”
Language is indeed very powerful. Some may call it semantics, but the words we choose carry weight.
Woman speaks to me of strength, not old age. Are we afraid of our own power? Or do we simply not recognize it? Are we afraid to own it?
In the outdoors, I overhear more women than men apologize for not being as fast or as skilled. I hear more stories from women who blame themselves for a disappointing race time (I should’ve trained harder) or a tough day climbing (I need to get stronger).
It seems that it’s easy for us to underestimate our abilities. To capitulate or concede to others. When we say, “just” or “a little” in stating our opinions, we are minimizing our thoughts. Allowing others to take us less seriously.
There are certainly instances where using girl can be fun and casual, but using girl to describe adult women reminds me of these other instances where we, as women, tend to diminish ourselves.
I echo Kim’s final question: What are we giving up by allowing this diminutive moniker to define us?
Have you encountered this trend? What are your thoughts? Are you an adult woman in her 20s or 30s? Do you describe yourself as a girl?
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Reader Comments (11)
Amy!
So glad you tackled this one. Your discussion is spot on. What if we started calling men "boys"? I don't think they'd approve.
Thanks Kim! I agree... but I also think the more unsettling aspect in all this is that women are referring to themselves as girls (I'm not hearing men refer to themselves as a 'boy' - especially in professional settings).
Being called a girl is diminutive as far as I am concerned. To me, the word "woman", is a female that is responsible for her own destiny (however she chooses to live it). To be called a "woman" also is a sign of wisdom, experience and education (and "education" could be conventional or non conventional).
The words we choose are important. With some that I encounter they often use gaslighting tactics like "It just semantics" or "You are being too sensitive". Whenever someone says, "It's just semantics" it triggers something in my mind and and signifies that the person who I am conversing with maybe trying to engage me in a power play.
Anna,
I *love* your definition of a woman responsible for her own destiny. Beautifully articulated.
as a mid twenty something, i find myself teetering between girl and woman. sometimes i feel very much girl - like when i throw on my jammies and chat the night away with my friends, or dance around my living room singing to boy bands (yep, this happens. a lot. don't judge, i know you all do it too... :). other times i feel very much woman - when i'm paying bills, or finding passion and purpose in my work.
and i think like most people of the female persuasion, i sometimes feel both or neither all at the same time, but i'll be the first to admit that i'd like to be more girl than woman, and by choice, not because i fear growing old, but because i fear losing every last bit of childlike innocence and wonder and imagination and love. i truly believe that seeing the world through a child's mind is a gift, or perhaps even a talent.
call it what you will, but if being all woman all the time means relinquishing that, then i don't wanna be right. ;)
Janene,
I appreciate your perspective here. The playfulness of youth is a precious commodity. I don't think calling ourselves "women" means we have to give any of that up. Let's hope not.
I am in my early twenties, a year and a half out of college, and I find myself going back and forth between calling myself a "girl" and a "woman." The professional part of my life calls me a "woman"- but the youthful part of myself calls me a "girl." My mom always told me that she didn't even know who she truly was until she was in her 30's (after having me, and after going through a divorce). I believe my mom and know that I still have a lot of learning to do about myself that I can only grasp through life experiences- whether they are positive or negative. With that being said, I feel like I can throw the two terms around casually now because I'm in between college and starting a family. I don't think that a female calling herself a "girl" is diminishing herself. Maybe she is just waiting for the right time to call herself a woman :)
(repeating my post from FB)
I find it quite unfortunate. Perhaps younger women don't realize how much getting away from referring to adult women as "girls" was a core message of the feminist movement of the 70s and beyond. They gladly enjoy the vast improvements in the status of women that came from those efforts, but IMHO are taking a big step backward with names like Chicks with Picks, Grrls, and the like.
"Boy" is a dismissive, insulting term used in the past to put down men of color or a "lower" social status. "Girl" carries the same disrespectful and even offensive weight when applied to an adult woman.
P.S. Even though I'm closing in on 60, I've still been known to chat the night away with a girlfriend* (er...femaie friend) or dance around the living room -- but the "boy band" could very well be one from my youth, like The Beatles!
* I guess I don't mind the term "girlfriend" since "boyfriend" seems to be used frequently as well to refer to an adult. Although hearing a woman talk about getting together with a girlfriend has a very different vibe than a man talking about getting together with a boyfriend... Ooo -- the next discussion can be about homophobia!
Janene,
Thank you for your insight and perspective. I totally relate to feeling at times both a girl and woman at the same time. It seems like it can be an ever-changing line between the two.
I don't think though, that becoming a woman requires us to relinquish the innocence, fun or wonder that we often enjoy as a girl. I think, rather, we expand into that more fully and in different permutations of each.
Jacqueline,
I think so many of us can identify with the transition in our early 20s between girl and woman. It took me longer than my sister for sure! I wonder if you decided that now *is* the time to become a woman, how that might alter your perspective?
Diane,
Thank you so much for reposting your thoughts here. I think you make some great points. It seems there is definitely a generational difference in how we use the term (just the comments here are a really interesting study in perspective!).
I think there can be fun, casual uses of girl, grrl, chicks, and the like, but I also believe it's important to think about how these terms come across and to use them deliberately and with consciousness.